Presented at the University of Idaho's 24 Hour Play Festival, December 2010, directed by Rebecca Klump, with the following cast (in order of appearance):
LANNY: Lanny Langston
ADRIANA: Adriana Sanchez
SHANE: Shane Brown
LAURA: Laura Wickman
An apartment living room. LANNY is pounding on the door. ADRIANA enters.
LANNY
(offstage)
ADRIANAWAKEUPITBROKEITBROKEITBROKE!
ADRIANA
What? Come in, Lanny, I think Shane left the door unlocked.
Lanny enters, freaking out bigtime.
LANNY
ITBROKEITBROKEITBROKE!
ADRIANA
It’s four in the morning!
LANNY
It BROKE! My laptop, it broke. I tried to save a file and it gave me the swirling circle cursor of death and it said its memory is gone and I need to print something by 7:30! I need to borrow yours.
ADRIANA
Shane’s using it. My new roommate. He’s in college. He has a paper due at nine.
LANNY
Then I have the priority because mine is due sooner!
SHANE enters. He’s obviously been asleep.
SHANE
You woke me up, you loudies. I heard you through my earplugs, even.
ADRIANA
Shane, this is Lanny, the neighbor downstairs.
LANNY
Hello, my laptop broke and I lost my work and I have to get my poem done by 7:30 because I met this girl and I really like her and I told her I was a poet but she doesn’t know I’m really only a novelist and I said I’d cook her breakfast and she could read my work, so I need Adriana’s laptop.
SHANE
Just tell her you’ll have to reschedule.
LANNY
I’ve already put it off four times. Because I don’t really have a poem. I wrote several. I’ve been awake for 72 hours typing poems. But every time I type a poem I start over. Because the longer I’m awake, the more I realize how stupid I am.
ADRIANA
Well, the longer you’re awake, the stupider you get. So go home and go to bed.
LANNY
I can’t. I locked myself out of my apartment on purpose so you couldn’t make me go home without a laptop. Only now I realize that even if you let me borrow one I’m still locked out.
ADRIANA
I guess you’ll have to crash here in the living room, then.
SHANE
No, nonono. It’s my apartment, too, and I don’t want him here.
ADRIANA
You could let him borrow my laptop and you could get some sleep, couldn’t you? You’d have an hour-and-a-half in the morning to finish your anti-consumerist research paper.
LANNY
Anti-consumerist? I hate consumerism!
SHANE
Me, too! Hey, uh—would you like to crash here for the night?
LANNY
I’d love it.
SHANE
I can’t let you borrow the laptop, but I’ve got something else you can use. Hold on.
Shane exits.
ADRIANA
You guys made friends pretty fast.
LANNY
How can an artist resist an anti-consumerist?
Shane reenters with an old typewriter.
ADRIANA
What’s that?
SHANE
A doorstop.
ADRIANA
It’s out of ribbon.
SHANE
It leaves dents in the paper. He can read the dents.
LANNY
Thanks. You’re awesome.
SHANE
As are you.
Lanny sits down with the typewriter. He can’t think.
LANNY
I can’t get any inspiration.
SHANE
Then invoke a muse or something. I’m going back to my paper.
Shane exits.
LANNY
Um—how do you go about—invoking a muse?
ADRIANA
You can’t be serious.
LANNY
I’m desperate and it’s four AM.
ADRIANA
He was kidding. There’s no such thing as a muse. Unless you count real people who give you inspiration, in which case there’s also no such thing.
LANNY
Do you just—say “Come out and inspire me?”
ADRIANA
Lanny, I feel for you, but I’m really tired. I’m going to bed. You’ll be okay?
LANNY
Yeah. Thank you so much for helping me.
ADRIANA
You’re welcome. Good night.
Adriana exits. Lanny can’t think.
LANNY
Uh—Come out and inspire me? I guess? Come out and inspire me!
LAURA, the genius, enters.
LANNY (cont.)
Whoa!
LAURA
Okay, here I am, you woke me up, this better be good or I’ll make it suck.
LANNY
Holy monkeys I’ve had too much caffeine.
LAURA
Well my butt itches. Can’t have everything.
LANNY
You really don’t look like a muse.
LAURA
I’m not. I’m a genius.
LANNY
Good for you.
LAURA
I’m your genius. I live in the wall and inspire you.
LANNY
This isn’t even my apartment.
LAURA
Doesn’t matter. You wanted me, you got me, so what can I do for you?
LANNY
This isn’t happening.
LAURA
I’m shocked, too. You’ve never openly invoked me. You don’t even know I exist.
LANNY
You can’t. I can’t have a genius. I’m a regular guy.
LAURA
Everybody has one. Even stupid people.
LANNY
I’ll just—lie down until I stop seeing things.
Lanny lies down and starts to sleep. Laura kicks him.
LANNY (cont.)
Ow!
LAURA
You have a poem to write and a chick to impress, so wake your butt up.
LANNY
You’re not real. I’ll prove it. Adriana! Help!
Adriana and Shane enter. Laura hides or darts offstage just before they can see her.
ADRIANA SHANE
Are you okay? What’s going on?
LANNY
There’s a genius and it came out of the wall! It was a—a creature! It lives in the wall!
SHANE
Whatever you’re on, I want some. Not right now, but maybe—
LANNY
It’s real. It kicked me! I was just drifting off and it—
ADRIANA
You ate pizza at midnight again, didn’t you? You always get weird dreams when you eat at Domino’s.
SHANE
(to Lanny)
Domino’s? Get out. Get out of here. Now. You’re crazy and you eat corporate food.
LANNY
But there’s really a creature! Honest!
SHANE
Well, good luck with that, and good night. In the morning you’ll remember this little psychotic episode and feel like the idiot you are. I’m out.
Shane exits.
ADRIANA
Just lie down and go to sleep. Forget the poem. You’re more important. Good night. Get some rest.
Adriana exits. Lanny lies down to sleep. Laura comes back.
LAURA
Hey, lazybutt! Get up! Let’s write that poem!
LANNY
I can’t. You being here is proof I can’t stay awake this long.
LAURA
GET UP OR I’LL FART IN YOUR FACE!
Lanny sits bolt upright.
LAURA (cont.)
You invoked me. So you’ve got me. And I’m going to be your worst nightmare if you don’t use me. Now park your butt at that dinosaur and let’s pound out a love poem.
Lanny sits at the typewriter.
LAURA (cont.)
Now, let’s see—you’re writing this for your date, so—start the poem with her eyes.
LANNY
That’s stupid.
LAURA
I’m only as smart as you are. What do you see when you look into this poetry-loving breakfast-eater’s big baby blues?
LANNY
I—I’m not sure she has baby blues. I’ve never looked. Let me go to sleep.
LAURA
No. You called me, so I’m going to give you ideas.
Laura waves her fingers at Lanny.
LAURA (cont.)
Good ones, bad ones, naughty ones…
LANNY
Aaugh! There are too many of them AND I’M TOO TIRED! HELP!
Shane enters. He’s been asleep again.
SHANE
Hey. You. Crazy eccentric downstairs corporate pizza muncher! Shut up. I can’t think with you yelling. Okay?
LANNY
Can’t you see it? It’s right there! The genius!
SHANE
ADRIANA!
Adriana enters.
SHANE (cont)
He’s really hallucinating, bad. Can we get him a hotel?
LANNY
That might work. As long as it’s a small, family-owned business.
SHANE
Who said anything about a hotel? You can stay here, buddy.
LANNY
Thanks. But my genius won’t let me go to bed. I invoked it and it showed up!
LAURA
That’s my job!
ADRIANA
I’ve got Nyquil in the bathroom. I’ll get you some.
LAURA
Nyquil is no match for my creative power!
Adriana exits.
SHANE
I’ll—help her look. Sit tight.
Shane exits.
LANNY
YOU’RE MAKING ME INSANE!
LAURA
Occupational hazard. Type, doofus.
LANNY
Only if you go away.
Lanny sits down to type.
LAURA
Okay. You said it. You said it, so I have to do it. But this isn’t fair. I love you, Lanny. You can’t stop me once you get me started. I’m always going to be here. I’m never going to go away. Even if I make you sick, even if I make you hate yourself, you can’t get rid of me forever because I AM YOU. I am the god within the self. I AM THE SPIRIT OF INSPIRATION! AND I WILL BE BACK! I—I hope.
LANNY
You hope?
LAURA
Of course I hope! I feel, I care, and I—I get frustrated. In ancient times, people gave beings like me credit all the time, and they wrote to us, and—now, it’s—you just think all your ideas come from yourself. You and just about every other human being.
Adriana and Shane enter.
SHANE
We finally found the Nyquil.
LANNY
Hang on. I’m in the middle of something.
SHANE
Just drink it, okay?
LANNY
Hold on.
(to Laura)
I’m really sorry I’ve been an egotist. You’re a good genius. I’ve never met you until now, and I didn’t picture you to be this big of a butt, but you’ve helped me for years.
SHANE
He’s talking to it.
LANNY
(to Laura)
I owe you a lot. But you need to let me go to sleep.
LAURA
You’ll fail to impress that girl tomorrow.
ADRIANA
Lanny, you need to go to sleep. I care about you. Forget that breakfast date. It’s a stupid idea, and I know you’re not stupid, just tired.
LANNY
(to Laura)
She’s right. You have to let me go to bed.
LAURA
All right. But you called me here. At least let me give you a little inspiration before I go.
LANNY
Okay.
LAURA
Ready?
Lanny nods. Laura hugs Lanny. He’s a little weirded-out at first, but he hugs her back.
SHANE
What’s he doing?
LANNY
Goodnight, Genius.
LAURA
Good night.
Laura exits.
LANNY
Will you go to breakfast with me? At IHOP, maybe?
SHANE
IHOP? No way. I don’t like you anymore again.
LANNY
I’m not talking to you. Adriana? Will you?
ADRIANA
Only if you get some sleep.
LANNY
Okay. And—maybe I’ll dream up a poem for you to read.
SHANE
Lovely. Good night-morning-whatever.
Shane exits.
ADRIANA
You want me to sing you a lullaby?
LANNY
Sure. Just—don’t invoke anything first.
Adriana sits down. Lanny lies down with his head on her knees. Adriana sings to him. He falls asleep. Laura enters.
LAURA
Aww. It worked. I love this job.
Pause.
I think I’ll go help Shane with his paper.
Laura exits.
End of play.
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